He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
