you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
