my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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