I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
