I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
