i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
