You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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