It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
She said her name was "party"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
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