I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
