Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
