false alarm. still invincible.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
