its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
