I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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