one might say we're banned from that church
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
