I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
