My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
