so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
