It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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