i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
