I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
