My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
