At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
