I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
