Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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