My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
He passed out mid-signature
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
