What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
