Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
