I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
