You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
