Are we in a gay sports bar?
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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