the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
