wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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