I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
