so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
