Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
