hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
