i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
