I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
