Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
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