She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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