i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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