6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
