yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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