She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
