my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
