I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
