is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
