Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
