is your mom at the bar?
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Umm I'm too high to move.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
