Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
People in love make me want to vomit
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
