I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
