you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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