I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
